


what's the opposite of a wet dream

by tranquilatlast



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Awkwardness, Domestic, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Mornings, One-Sided Attraction, Other, maybe lol who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18556789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tranquilatlast/pseuds/tranquilatlast
Summary: Juno chewed his jam and toast slowly, eyes narrowed at Peter and Rita in a strange way. Buddy started to spread more jam on another piece and glanced at him."Is something wrong, Juno?" she asked curiously. He took a moment to swallow his food before glaring down at his toast."Weird dream," he mumbled, slumping in his chair. Buddy hummed in the way a parent would when feigning understanding of their child's ramblings and furrowed her brow. Juno frowned and took another dejected bite of his food.





	what's the opposite of a wet dream

**Author's Note:**

> this was spawned from a genuine suggestion from Alex in our podcast discord and i wrote it in less than 2 hours. sorry.
> 
> enjoy!

It starts in the middle of the ceremony. Everyone’s there, even Buddy, Vespa, and Jet, sitting in the front pew on the groom’s side and seemingly unbothered by the emptiness of the seats behind them. Each person has a different kind of smile on their face as the music plays, soft notes ringing through the venue with a beautiful clarity to them.

Sasha and Mick are dutifully waiting next to the altar, standing tall and proud in suits perfectly fitted to their sizes. Alessandra Strong is sitting near Captain Omar Khan, the two of them glancing at each other with respect in their gazes before turning with the rest of the seated guests to the start of the aisle.

The dress is breathtaking. It’s a bold red, with intricately-woven gold fabric hemming all around and bursting into shimmering blooms at the bottom. Part of it delicately trails along on the clean floor as the bride walks with the music, a genuine smile on the soon-to-be-spouse’s face. Everyone seems to be holding their breath as they watch, the fabric of the gown moving in waves with every step. Finally, the waves still at the altar and the music comes to a slow stop.

Peter Nureyev takes his partner’s hands, looking as if he were the happiest man in the world. He looks his fiancée up and down, but once their eyes meet he can’t seem to look away.

“Incredible,” he whispers, only audible to his love before him although the entire room is completely silent. “You’re absolutely stunning, dearest.”

“Funnily enough, I was thinkin’ the exact same thing,” is the response, soft and breathy. A few words pass from the person behind the pair, an older man with as much pride in his voice as rasp. Soon, he is ready to declare them as two parts of a whole.

“Should anyone present know of any reason this couple shall not be joined in matrimony,” he says, voice booming across the quiet, “speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

All eyes go to Juno. He’s in the front pew on the bride’s side, the only guest in the row. He wants to stand up, but his legs feel tied up. He wants to talk, but he can’t open his mouth. He wants to object, he has to object. That should be him at the altar, he should be wearing that gown, he should be marrying—

“What’s the matter, boss?” The bride asks, a friendly smile on her face. The headpiece of the gown droops ever so slightly as Rita tilts her head. “Cat got your tongue?”

“Rita, dearest.” Peter is the first to tear his gaze away from Juno, and he looks at his partner like she tells the stars to shine for him. “He has no words to defy us. To defy our _hearts_.”

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the old man rumbles, and the crowd of friends look away from Juno to smile at the pair. “You may kiss the bride!”

Peter takes Rita into his arms and she looks to him as if he’s the only man in the galaxy. He smiles at her, a bright, happy, lovely smile, and dips her down over his knee as he leans down. Rita wraps her arms around his neck with a giggle and they’re looking at each other with lidded eyes and warm grins and Juno is completely horrified and Peter leans further down, further and further, and they’re both puckering their lips and their guests lift their arms to clap and Juno struggles to say something, anything, as their lips finally connec—

“I object!” Juno yelped as his eyes snapped open, just before he hit the floor with a pained groan. His room was quiet, save for his hissed cursing, and his shoulder ached where it made impact with the cold metal. His blankets were tangled around his legs and wrapped tightly around his waist like he was trying to tie himself up in his sleep. After a few seconds of wanting to meld into the ship, Juno sat up with a grunt. He managed to kick the blankets away and dropped his face into his hands, an overwhelming sense of dread weighing on him. He was never going to sleep ever again.

* * *

Peter was trying to make french toast, eyeing the thick cuts of bread cooking in the buttered skillet before him. Rita was waiting for her breakfast to cook in the microwave, humming a light tune. Buddy was spreading jam on a piece of toast as Vespa ate hers with plain butter. Jet placed two cups of coffee before them and nodded at their thanks before pouring the rest of the pot into his own large mug and then starting a fresh brew.

“Rita, dearest, does this side look done to you?” he asked, flipping one triangular piece of bread over and looking up for her judgement. Rita looked away from the microwave to eye the bread before nodding enthusiastically at the golden-brown surface.

“I think so, Mista Blade,” she replied, just as a loud pop resounded from the microwave. Darius blinked in surprise at the noise, but Rita just turned around again excitedly. “Ooh, my eggs are done!” Peter pursed his lips, not sure whether to be proud or concerned by the fact that he did not seem to be the worst chef onboard.

“Actually, I would be flattered if you would try my cooking,” he said quickly, not fond of letting his crewmate have such an… unorthodox breakfast. Peter flipped over the other piece of french toast, hoping the soft sound of its sizzling might entice her. She took the plate out of the microwave, which was a certified disaster. Some egg whites even made it to the upper surface of it.

“That’s real nice o' ya, Mista Blade, but I already got my own food and I’d hate to waste,” Rita said, though she eyed the skillet hungrily. Peter didn’t even get the chance to say anything before she gave in, exclaiming with her hands enough to make some egg fly to a place unknown. “Oh, well, if you insist! I dunno what I’m gonna do with these eggs, though.”

“Jet? Do you mind taking the eggs out of Rita’s hands?” Peter asked nervously. The tall thief just took the plate of exploded yolk from Rita as he passed by with his coffee. He passed the trash can and slid all the contents inside, then set the plate on the counter before heading to the dining table. Peter watched him accept a toast with jam from Buddy and then turned to grab a clean plate from one of their cupboards. “I’m not sure if these are done on the inside. Would you like to taste a piece, Rita?”

“I would love to!” Gracefully, Peter tipped the finished bread onto a plate and found a fork to cut off a piece of the triangular slice and then picked it up. Rita rushed away to the pantry for a second before padding back with a bottle in her hands and Peter didn't register what she was doing until she'd already twisted off the cap and tipped the bottle straight down. He watched in horrified awe as she poured a thick stream of syrup onto the plate. She made sure to completely douse the piece on the fork, too.

“Well.” Peter lifted the fork to let a long stream of syrup flow off the piece and lifted the plate as well to avoid dripping syrup all over the floor. He turned to his friend, who was buzzing with excitement. “Open up.” Rita eagerly opened her mouth and practically bounced in her seat as Peter fed her. He laughed when she hummed in delight and brought both hands to her face to exaggerate the taste of the food.

Suddenly, a choked hacking came from the entrance to the kitchen. Peter looked over, still wearing his amused smile. It dropped when he saw Juno in the doorway, one arm against it and the other in a fist at his mouth as he coughed. Rita barely paid him any mind, having just taken the fork and starting to slice another piece of french toast off for herself.

“Juno?” Peter asked, almost concerned if not for the fact that Juno coughed an awful lot. He didn’t give Rita the plate yet, just because he had gripped it at the sight of his tired detective sporting a ruffled bed head and a baggy sweatpants and shirt combo. He took the moment to look Juno up and down, admiring the stray curls drooping over his forehead. “Are you alright?”

“I’m—Ugh.” He hacked into his fist a few more times, and Peter had to resist the urge to pour him a glass of water himself. Juno cleared his throat quickly and looked up for just a moment before letting his gaze trail to the side. His voice was either gravelly with sleep or his coughing, whichever came first. “Yeah, no, I’m good. I’m fine.”

“Good mornin’, Mista Steel!” Rita greeted before shoving a large piece of bread into her mouth. Her voice snapped Peter out of it, for whatever reason. He hastily put himself together and stood up a bit straighter.

“If you say so,” Peter said, voice cool and composed. He finally handed the plate to his friend, much to her delight, and pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose in a faux act of nonchalance. “Good morning, Juno.”

A beat of silence. Buddy and Vespa were having a quiet conversation at the table, so they might not have noticed Juno yet. The former detective just stared at the pair with a growing frown on his face, unreadable compared to his usual nature of being an open book. It was more distressed than angry or upset.

“What’s the matter boss?” Rita asked through her chewing. She took another bite of her food, looking back at Juno curiously before returning her focus to the plate. He tensed up immediately, his shoulders rising up to his ears in a way that would have been comical if Peter wasn’t utterly confused. Rita didn’t notice, seemingly busy with drowning in syrup even as she continued, “Cat got your tongue?” Peter opened his mouth to ask if everything was okay.

“Oh! Juno, darling, how nice of you to join us,” Buddy called from the dining table before he could get a word out. She was just spreading jam over the last corner of the bread in her hands. Jet and Vespa greeted Juno with nods, taking a bite of toast and a sip of coffee respectively. “Have you just woken up? Would you like some jam and toast?”

Juno looked more than a little troubled as he glanced between Peter and Rita, though Peter couldn’t see a reason why. Only a moment passed before the former PI looked away from them and stepped into the kitchen fully to let the door close, his shoulders falling down to the normal kind of tense for Juno. Peter tilted his head in confusion, but let his mouth close without saying anything.

“What kind of jam?” Juno asked in a strange tone of voice, slowly making his way towards Buddy and his breakfast. Peter watched him trudge away for a few seconds before looking back at a blissfully oblivious Rita. Then he looked at the bread that was soaking while he had been cooking his first two pieces of french toast.

“Would you like to help me cook the second batch?” he asked Rita, reaching to add another pad of butter to the pan. She nodded happily as she chewed and pulled up a stool before climbing onto it. Peter got the feeling his friend would do more watching than helping, but he didn’t mind. He took a piece of bread from the egg mixture and gently laid it onto the hot skillet, satisfied by the light sizzle it made.

**Author's Note:**

> listen okay i know the summary might have been clickbaity but i wanted to leave this off at Nureyev's Sizzle and i needed more Buddy so there you are
> 
> i hope you enjoyed! please please feel free to leave a comment if you liked anything or you have constructive criticism! thank you so much for reading!


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